I was born in a Christian household and went to an Episcopal school, which was very similar to Christianity, but had different traditions. 

Growing up, I didn’t really have a strong relationship with God – I didn’t really go to church until I was in the 4th grade, which is when I got to invited to Hillside for the first time. This was also when I moved to a Christian school for the first time and felt I really wanted to pursue the Lord. I was so excited to learn about the Bible and worship Him. 

I had a childlike faith… but then, after a while, the excitement went away. 

The pandemic hit and I stopped going to church. 

I was still close to God, but had no desire to really get to know Him. I only prayed to God when I needed help. I realized I felt more anxious about my future and had more unresolved conflicts with people – but I didn’t talk to God about it. During the summer of my ninth grade, my mom asked if I wanted to volunteer at a senior center with Hillside. I didn’t feel like going at first, but I had a good feeling about it. I expected to just be there by myself, but I met people who later became my friends. 

This was also a time in my life where I realized what my purpose in life was and how happy I felt when serving others. A friend invited me to go to High School Ministry for the first time, and I had no intention of going, but I decided to try it out. 

I went and met so many amazing friends. I was surprised at how welcoming everyone was which made me want to come every week. I loved the community here. 

After this, I felt I had my passion back. 

This was at the perfect time because I was feeling really anxious about high school and my future, but after going to church and learning more about God, I began to have more peace. I began to read my Bible. However, during sophomore year, I was overwhelmed by a lot of things that caused me stress – AP classes, college classes, basketball, stress with friends… I didn’t know how to deal with the stress, which caused me to go into survival mode and turned off my brain a bit to make the right decisions. 

I didn’t talk with God about what to do. I felt like all of the stress had shut God and the Holy Spirit out of my brain and heart.  Conflict led me to make bad decisions with others, which had lasting consequences. 

My junior year, I started to recover from those mistakes, which was very hard for me because I knew that I was forgiven by God, but deep down, for a long time, I was not able to forgive myself because of the lasting consequences that I knew I would have to deal with because of my actions. It was hard to know that even though God forgave me, the people I hurt might not have. It killed me inside that those relationships that I messed up would never be the same again. I was dealing with a lot of guilt. 

So, I started going back to church. My faith started to get stronger. And after trying to pursue my relationship with God again, I realized that not only was I forgiven, but everything happens for a reason, and God wouldn’t have let this happen to me if He knew it would destroy my life. 

There was a turning point where I realized that God uses even our imperfections for His plan and for good. For example, the Israelites messed up many times and disobeyed God, but even then, God still loved them and used their sin for His greater plan of bringing about the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Their history, including their mistakes and failures, paved the way for Jesus to come and offer salvation to all who believe. Even in the face of human sin and rebellion, God’s ultimate plan was carried out. This demonstrated His sovereignty and the fact that nothing, not even sin, could prevent Him from accomplishing His purpose. 

I realized that these hardships helped me grow as a person and in my character. After going through those situations and recovering, one big change in my mindset and the way I viewed life was I began to have more peace than I’ve ever had before.

Once I began to read the Bible more and get to know Him, I have been able to trust God more with His plans for my life. One verse that helped me through this whole journey was Philippians 4:6-7 which says,

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” 

Another verse is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” 

Of course there are times when I still feel worried or stress, but for the most part, having the Gospel and knowledge that everything happens for a reason, that God has a plan for me – a plan for my good and His glory – has made me feel less pressure to always do everything perfectly. 

I don’t have to worry about failure or any challenges that come my way. I can submit to His plans rather than mine, knowing that His plans are way better than mine. 

By: Audrey Handoko