Like many people, I grew up in the church. From a young age I spent a lot of time going to VBS, church events, Sunday morning service, etc., and as a kid, I loved praying and I loved Jesus. I genuinely felt sad as a kid understanding the impact of what He did for us, and the fact that He didn’t deserve it and we did.However, a lot of traumatic things happened in my childhood that impacted me mentally, such as my dad going away to prison and being exposed to things I shouldn’t have been as a child. From a very young age leading into high school, I’ve dealt with a myriad of struggles. When I was in the 6th grade, it got so severe that I stopped believing there was a God watching over me at all.

I have battled suicidality, depression, anxiety, OCD, sexual sin & addiction, and I struggled a lot with my identity, identifying as gay, bi, trans, and a variety of different labels in an attempt to find “freedom.” I didn’t know how to handle all of this before I was a believer and especially as such a young kid. As a hurt person, I started to hurt other people.I was a bad friend and a bully as a kid and I had a very toxic relationship with my family. I got to this point where I no longer felt like God existed; I attempted to seek after spiritual ideas that were NOT God, and eventually just altogether started identifying as an atheist. I experienced strife in my relationships with my family because of my “newfound atheism” and I felt so angry and upset being at church – no longer wanting to go to church at all or stand during worship, even though that used to be my favorite thing.

In the summer of 2019, my family made a drastic and sudden move from Kentucky (where I was born and raised) to California, with little preparation or time to process. On top of everything I was dealing with, this move was extremely hard. Because of my severe battle against intrusive thoughts, OCD, and anxiety, this move made me scared, and as my intrusive thoughts became more severe, my suicidal ideation increased more than it had already existed within me.

I didn’t feel safe within myself, so I isolated myself from my family, and since I wasn’t a believer, I felt extremely alone in this and had no hope that anyone else was dealing with what I was dealing with. I experienced so much shame, guilt, and fear. Once my family finally found a place to live in Rancho, we moved in and found that Hillside was literally right next to our new house. My mom, siblings, and I started walking every Sunday morning, and for the first time in a while, I started enjoying going to church and even asked for a Bible for our first Christmas out here… even though I still wasn’t feeling anything.This was during my 8th and 9th grade years of high school, and back then, I would take a lot of walks. During these walks I would pray a lot, begging God for silly signs like blowing the wind a certain way or making a crow caw suddenly just to prove to me that it was really Him answering me, but He did not answer with these signs I was asking for. I wanted to believe in God again, but I couldn’t convince myself He was real, and even worse, I didn’t really feel that I wanted to live for Him even if He was real.

During this time, my mental illnesses and my relationship with my family was getting worse, and on really bad days, usually after a fight with my family, I would just break down and sob out of regret and disappointment in myself. I would sob and pray to God for sometimes hours at a time. I was honest with God, and I knew within myself, that the way I was living was wrong, and I told God I didn’t know why I couldn’t just “be a better person.”

I vividly remember one of these nights. I remember expressing to God that I felt like I was too far gone, too awful of a person, for God to help me or love me. And then something (which I now know was the Holy Spirit) prompted me to go to church the next Sunday. This was during COVID, so sermons were in the Community Center, 6-feet apart with masks, but the sermon was still happening and the message of that day was, “Nobody is too far gone for God’s love.”

That is all I remember about that sermon, but it was enough to bring me to tears. I left church early because I didn’t want anyone seeing me cry, and when I got home, I kneeled over my Bible and for the first time, confessed all of my sins and prayed that powerful prayer: “Jesus, I accept You as my Lord and Savior.” I felt God’s forgiveness and presence for the first time in a long time.All this time, I was asking God for a sign and this was it – this was my answered prayer. Not because He was in any way obligated to answer my demands, but because He loves me and He knew what I needed to hear. For the first time, everything clicked and I realized that there was no “getting my life together” or being a little nicer or kinder or being a better person before coming to Jesus. I needed Jesus exactly then and there in the midst of my sin, and that’s still the case today.

When we are the worst versions of ourselves, that is when we need Jesus the most to make us into HIS best version of us.

I wish I could say that after that moment I immediately started living for Jesus, but unfortunately, I still kept living in the same sins for a really long time, and it wasn’t until the beginning of my junior year, August 2022, that I finally made the decision to get baptized and start going to church consecutively. I rededicated myself to God and decided that I wanted to start serving, reading the Bible and praying every day, and that’s when God showed me the things that needed to change. He started helping me surrender certain sins, behaviors, and thinking patterns. He helped me to unlearn some things that I thought were true about myself or the world, and recently, He’s helped me to even relearn some things in my walk with Him.For the entirety of 2024, I’ve been under severe spiritual attack but God has spoken to me directly through the people He’s given me at Hillside. He’s answered so many prayers lately and I have seen His faithfulness like never before. Every day is a struggle sometimes, and I still battle against some of the things that started and ravaged me in my childhood, but now I know I’m not alone in it. And now that I am a believer, I understand what I’m dealing with and why it’s happening better, and I know how to seek God, His Word and His people during this process.My encouragement to anyone who is reading this and maybe has dealt with some of the same things as me, is that if you feel that you “can’t” approach God because of what you’ve done or because you’ve run away from Him, that is NOT the case. The message that led me to salvation was that NOBODY is too far gone for God’s love – and that message is still true for every single person today. God loves you, He is not angry with you, He can handle your hurt, your trauma, your questions, and your sins. He knows you can’t handle it alone and He doesn’t expect you to. He is so gracious and patient with us to meet us in the middle of our sinfulness and brokenness. His grace and patience helps us through every step of it.

My favorite verse, and one of my favorite books in the whole Bible, is Romans 8:38-39 which says:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

God’s love is stronger than literally anything, and that should convince us that He is more than enough.

 

By: August Edmonston

August Edmonston is a recently graduated senior from Los Osos High School. She plans on attending Chaffey Community College to study marine biology and continue pursuing her passion for choir.