A few years ago, that chaos became a new reality when my world was turned upside down.

I unexpectedly lost both my mom and dad within the same year of each other.

Everywhere I turned, it seemed life was riddled with loss. The life I had envisioned of family get-togethers, joy and happiness around the holidays, seemed far and out of reach. I started to wonder if each Christmas season would now be engulfed by the deep sadness that had seemingly overtaken all areas of my life. I started to believe that maybe God’s plans for me didn’t involve a peace-filled home. Surely that was meant for someone else, or at least surely not in this season. In fact, the word “chaos” started to seem like even that didn’t accurately describe what my life felt like…Most days were filled with juggling as many phone calls with probate lawyers and paperwork to be filed as time would allow, just to collapse at the end of the night and ask God… “How is this my life?” I felt like I was constantly crying out in prayers of hopelessness after losing my parents. It began to feel like I was in an everyday battle for peace.

My parents were raising their granddaughter (my niece) before their passing. My husband, Trevor, and I quickly realized the need to take her in, a decision we didn’t think twice about. We eventually began our journey of adoption – a process we had no idea would take over three years to complete. So many times over those three years, I felt thrown back into a storm of unanswered chaos – road blocks, court filing delays, and feeling like we never quite knew what would come next.

But God. He knew.

He gave us peace in the waiting. He gave us peace in the form of our church community that He had carefully orchestrated to walk alongside us – those who quite literally wept when we wept and rejoiced when we rejoiced at the finalization of our adoption. He gave us peace in the form of amazing therapists that walked our newly formed family through unimaginable conversations. He gave us peace in the form of compassionate adoption attorneys that by the end of our case felt more like friends.He so intricately guided the entire process before us, all while delicately taking care of our grieving hearts.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

The holidays are still hard when grieving. I miss my parents no matter the number of years that pass. But each year, I stand in awe of a God who provided. Who met me when and where I needed it most, right in the messiness of my grief. Most importantly, I’m reminded that He will do it again and again, year after year.

Sometimes at the end of the day, I’ll catch myself thinking that same question – “How is this my life?”

But my perspective has changed. Instead, I’m met with such a sweet sense of gratitude for what it means to ask that today:

A life of love and laughter that fills my home.

A life of abundance and deliverance.

A life filled with true peace after so much suffering.

And though I know there may be some truth to when people say the grief never truly leaves you, the good news is… neither does our God.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

By: Holly Woolery